Well, how did you get here?

What brought you here? If you’re over 35 and are looking for a “small door,” maybe you’re experiencing what’s referred to as a “midlife crisis”—which most of us go through, sometime after 35, regardless of how we view our lives. (Yeah, I know. I also thought midlife started at 60. Nope.)

You can recognize a midlife crisis if you find yourself—in your forties—buying roller blades when you couldn’t even skate as a kid. Then again, maybe that was just my experience.

Midlife crisis. That gnawing fear that we’re living a life that “happened” to us—a life that we didn’t really choose—at least not consciously. “Once in a Lifetime” by The Talking Heads describes it pretty well:

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, "Well, how did I get here?"

Talking Heads, “Once in a Lifetime,” Remain in Light, 1980

Well, how did we get here?

It’s a pretty good question to ask in midlife, because it invites us to consider not whether our life is “successful,” but instead, whether it’s authentic.

Jung saw the first half of life as focused on external goals—developing the ability to survive and thrive in the world—while the second half is about transitioning to internal, spiritual, and psychological goals—what he termed, individuation (C.G Jung, “Stages of Life,” 1930, which can be found in Modern Man in Search of a Soul).

In the first half of life, we see models of what constitutes personal, economic, and social “success”—and learn which values and skills are needed to achieve each. But we also have our own spirit, which may be celebrated or suppressed, depending on how well it aligns with these models. How, where, and by whom we’re raised—including cultural, political, and religious contexts—inform what we believe, how we think, and what we do. These influences are so ingrained in the fabric of who we are, that they become unconscious patterns that run our lives. Sort of like how code runs a computer program.

Sometimes we find that these patterns of belief, thought, and action didn’t work— we haven’t achieved the “success” we’d hoped for—and the midlife crisis shines a light on the places where we feel we fell short. But sometimes the patterns did work. And by everyone else’s account—maybe even our own—we’re “living the dream.” And yet…it feels like something’s missing.

So, what’s really behind the choices we make? Are we simply going along with patterns we inherited? Are we rebelling against those same patterns? Either way, when our decisions are reactions to these patterns, how can we be sure our choices truly reflect who we are? Until I was 16, I did everything “right.” But I couldn’t maintain it. So, then I did almost everything “wrong.” I can remember making some terrible choices as a teenager and through my 20s not because they were what I wanted, but because I was simply choosing the opposite of what I was supposed to want. Of course, I didn’t realize it at the time. And that’s sort of the point.

We create a life by making many—if not most—decisions unconsciously. Maybe these decisions lead to “success”—maybe not. Either way, at midlife, when the strivings of life start to subside, we find ourselves in our lives—and the question “Well, how did I get here?” is actually quite profound. Because it asks if the life we created is a life that is authentic and meaningful to us.

To answer that question, we need to ask other questions. A good place to start is to consider some change—internal or external—that you’re facing. What outcome would you like to achieve? What options are available to you? And how freely can you make that choice?

That last question is crucial. Because if your life is being run by patterns that are unconscious, then none of your choices are truly free. You’re stuck in a loop.

Jungian coaching helps bring those patterns to awareness so you can discover if they truly align with who you are now in order to live the second half of your life more authentically.

If you’re interested in learning more about looking at midlife through the lens of Jungian psychology, check out Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life by James Hollis. Great book. You’re sure to find a number of small doors there!